Giving your eyebrows a crewcut for the summer

Thanks goodness we have The Port Townsend and Jefferson County Leader to keep us abreast of the critical news of our times, like this piece about a guy who holds the world record for the longest eyebrow hair measuring in at an appalling three and a half inches. Yes, you might be thinking, Scott, that story is from 2006! Don’t you have anything better to do? To which I might reply, Yes, but I was impelled to Google “longest eyebrow hair” and that is what came up first!

I’m equally impressed by and saddened for this guy. He’s found a positive side to the plague of eyebrow growth that seems to attack middle-aged men, while laboring under the weight of eyebrows that look like bluffs overhanging the ruins at Mesa Verde in Colorado.

I deeply admire the common woman of uncommon courage who can rip eyebrow hairs out with no more worry than if she were picking lint off of a pair of slacks. These days I find that eyebrow hairs grow with a speed that makes me wonder if someone is covertly giving me a nightly Miracle Grow facial while I’m sleeping. One day I look like a man, the next day a hummingbird moth. And trying to get in there with trimming scissors too often results in an unintended swath of damage to innocent, well-behaved eyebrow hairs that were just minding their own business and have now been cut down in their prime.

My wife says it is time to use tweezers and that is downright terrifying. I don’t know how far those mutant hairs are rooted into my forehead. What if I pull a molar out in the process?

The physical body is such a silly thing. Sometimes I think little of it. Other times it feels like a leisure suit from the ’70s that needs to be dropped off at the nearest Goodwill. Isn’t it nice to know that there is so much more to us than eyebrows?

Leave a Reply